Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Trailers For Films That Were Never Made: Dennis Moore

So Liss over at Shakesville notes that there's a new Ridley Scott version of Robin Hood coming in 2010, starring Russel Crowe as Robin Hood. This would be yawn inducing news, but for her hilarious transcript of the trailer:
TW] A lone figure runs through dark empty woods. Armor-clad knights ride horses through the woods. A tripwire is released and a net flies up. A wolf walks among corpses from a battle. A man peeps on an undressing woman. A thread is pulled through cloth. Light streams in through a stone wall. Armor-clad warriors creep through the woods. Text: "From Ridley Scott. The director of Gladiator." Armor-clad knights ride horses on the beach. Armor-clad knights run from the water onto the beach. Russell Crowe emerges from water screaming and raising a sword. More armor-clad knights ride horses on the beach. Russell Crowe rides a horse. Someone else strikes a tree with a hatchet. Armor-clad knights scream and get hit by falling trees and fight with swords and shit. Russell Crowe kisses a totes babe. Russell Crowe on horseback throws a sword. Text: "Academy Award Winner Russell Crowe." Russell Crowe looks at a bald dude with a sword. Text: "Academy Award Winner Cate Blanchett." Cate Blanchett appears for a brief instant; cut back to bald dude with a sword, who chops the fuck out of someone. Text: "Universal Pictures Presents." Sword-fighting! Fire! Text: "The story behind the legend." Vaguely swarthy dude with beard holds knife at totes babe's exposed bosom. Hey, arrows! A dirty dude hand rubs over Cate Blanchett's face. Russell Crowe runs. Text: "The hero behind the outlaw." Gold coins. Swarthy dude on horse grabs Cate Blanchett by the neck. Russell Crowe rides a horse, waving a sword. Russell Crowe kneels over a fallen comrade and makes the sign of the cross. Says: "Rise and rise again, until lambs become lions." Ooh, arrows again! Text: "Robin Hood." Russell Crowe aims an arrow, blood on his face. Text: "Coming 2010."
 Now, that got me thinking. I really don't need to see another Robin Hood movie: even the presence of BRIAN BLESSED and Alan Rickman couldn't save the unfortunate Costner vehicle Robin Dude: Prince of Dweebs, and everything ends up just being a sketch on the 1930s Errol Flynn classic.

But it did give me an idea for a blog post series! Movie trailers for films that were never made! So I thought, instead of Russel Crowe as Robin Hood, howabout him as another hero of English folklore--Dennis Moore!

Dennis Moore? That's right, Dennis Moore:

Below is a working script for the Dennis Moore trailer. Note how, as per the conventions of The Film of the Series, I worked in a cameo from the original version!

A group of richly dressed nobles get into a carriage. Text: "In an age of kings..." A masked rider on a horse rides through the night. British soldiers in 18th century uniforms emerge from the mist. Various quick cuts of poor people in rags. Text: "One man dared to stand up." Another shot of the masked rider. A coach rumbles through the darkness. Cut to soldiers firing muskets. Something explodes. The coach pulls up in front of the masked figure, seen from behind in a slow tracking shot from his stirrups to his hat.

Russell Crowe: Stand and Deliver!"

More soldiers. Text: "From Academy Award-winning director Ridley Scott." Horsemen ride; Crowe rakes coins into a bag at a tavern. Text: "Starring Oscar winner Russell Crowe." A brief two second shot of Cate Blanchett in period dress, barely enough for us to register someone blonde, elegant, and far too talented for this crap. Text, briefly: "AndacademyawardwinningladyactorCateBlanchett" Crowe, with a pistol, is relieving the occupants of a carriage of their valuables. One starts to run away. Crowe picks up an axe and flings it sideways, chopping the fleeing man's head off; the blood, as Eric Idle says, goes "pssssss" in slow motion.

Crowe: This redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought.

Guns! Soldiers! Fire! Poor people dancing! Wealthy nobles at a ball! Horses ride through the dark. Something murky happens while a rock ballad plays. Crowe clutches Blanchett under a waterfall. Text: "DENNIS MOORE"

John Cleese, dressed as a country squire, sits in his library holding a book. He looks up.

Cleese: Dennis? How did the day go? Did you get any gold?

Crowe, off-screen: Sorry, father, they were all out.

Cleese: Ah, I see. Very good. (beat) Did they have any....lupins?

Text: COMING IN 2010

1 comment:

  1. Someone get Russell Crowe and John Cleese on the phone. This movie needs to be made. (It doesn't have to be Crowe, I suppose, but I'm already rather attached to the movie as you've described it. Can he or Blanchett do Python? Hmm.)