Monday, March 15, 2010

All I Ever Needed to Know* I Learned From "Sex in the City"

* for the set {being a woman, being a writer, living in New York, things that are totally inaccurate}
  1. It is possible to rent a large one-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side as a writer whose only paid gig is a column for a newspaper that is a) free b) more annoying than the free morning paper they hand out in subway stations and c) couldn’t beat the Village Voice’s circulation even when you had to pay for the Voice.
  2. In addition, you will be able to afford a closet full of designer dresses and shoes.
  3. And also only take cabs to places, because real New Yorkers don’t ride the subway.
  4. The worst thing that will happen to you in a mugging is that the mugger will take your shoes.
  5. Writers only take their inspiration from the messed up lives of their friends.
  6. The most likely person for a highly-motivated, highly-overworked, and highly-educated lawyer to end up with is a bartender.
  7. Who will make her move to Brooklyn.
  8. And be the primary caretaker of his ailing mother.
  9. Every woman needs a gay friend to have a truly complete life.
  10. Gay friends come in two flavors: nebbishly queeny, and outrageously queeny.
  11. There’s a third type, the incredibly hot underwear model, but within a few years that character type will be straight anyway.
  12. Female friendships are all-consuming, have no boundaries of time, subject, or privacy, and absolutely necessary for life because your girlfriends will support you no matter what.
  13. They will also, however, mock your grooming habits and sexual partners.
  14. Women need to be strong, self-actualized, and firm in their knowledge of who they are.
  15. However, they should also change their lives completely for a man. Such changes include but are not limited to: changing your boro of residence, changing your city of residence, changing your religion.
  16. You will start out by declaring your sexual freedom from the past. You will plan to enact this by having the same soul-less, commitment-less relationships of the douchiest of guys.
  17. You will then spend the next several years doing completely the opposite.
  18. A gentle, caring man who is a committed artist, interested in you and your career, and supportive of your friends and life-choices will enter your life. You must reject this person.
  19. A man who alternates between a creepy sexual obsession with you and treating you like an afterthought to his social calendar will enter your life. He will specialize in sending mixed signals. He will ignore your needs and career. He will break up with you, get married, and only then declare his love for you. He will enter and exit your life with a total disregard for your feelings, and refuse to ever discuss any of these points and how they relate to your relationship. He will, in short, treat you as an amusing accessory. You must cling to this man like a drowning sailor to a life preserver.
  20. There will be a television show about four female friends who engage in frank discussions about their sex lives. Often these discussions will take place during a meal. A frequent subject will be the difficulties of dating at their age. In the 1980s that age will be the late 50s. A decade later, the age will be the mid-30s. This will be considered progress.